Laughing is sometimes the best medicine. These one-liners add a little levity for all of us in isolation.

•Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem. 

•I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe. 

•I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator. 

•Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter —– The Living Room or The Bedroom 

•PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom. 

•Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job. 

•I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone 

•This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.  

•So, after this quarantine…..will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them? 

•Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business. 

•My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet. 

•Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat. 

•I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear? 

•I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom. 

•Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.  

•Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended. 

•Better 6 🦶 apart than 6 feet under